Pickle Heaven Press-James R. Johnson

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Tag: marriage counseling

I, me, mine — June 18, 2025

I, me, mine

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These 3 may be the most overused words in the English language.  As toddlers, they were our first attempts at communication.  “Me do it!”  “No mine!”  And we carry them with us all the way into our twilight years, “Gertrude, I want the thermostat set on 86.” 

In fact, I was thinking about my prayers as an infant Christian.  At age 19 I offered up a lot of, “I, me, mine” prayers like, “Lord, my acne has broken out and I have a date.  Would you help me please?”  Or “Lord, could you transfer my acne to that guy that’s picking on me?” 

When we have the “I, me, mine” disease, it makes those around us sick – – of us.  No one appreciates a fussy, demanding child.   People run from egocentric adults, and they barely tolerate even the elderly mother who has run-on complaints about her health.

The Beatles once recorded a song called, “I, me, mine.”  It was written by George Harrison as a bold self-disclosure of the infighting going on within the band at that time.  

The lyrics lamented the self-centered orientation of humanity.  Ironically this was the very last song that the Beatles ever recorded. That mentality was responsible for the end of what was probably the most influential rock band ever. 

And that’s what it does to rock bands, friendships, churches, business partnerships, families and marriages. 

As a pastor I did a fair amount of marriage counseling.  Like other counselors I discovered that financial disagreements were often the fuel of marriage conflicts and divorce situations.  And it wasn’t whether a couple had money or not.  The conflict was over how the money should be spent.  I was an “I, me, mine” problem.   

And what about churches?  I did a study of the New Testament Epistles. I found that the churches at Philippi, and Thessalonica and Colossae and all the rest had some kind of serious conflict going on – all fueled by the “I, me, mine” mentality.  The church today is in no worse shape than it was in the first century.

The Spirit of God understands this problem, which is why He gave Paul these words for us,

“Instead of being motivated by selfish ambition or vanity, each of you should, in humility, be moved to treat one another as more important than yourself. Each of you should be concerned not only about your own interests, but about the interests of others as well” – Philippians 2:3-4. NETBible.com

He gave us a “you/yours” solution to the problem.  Let’s just tackle that one phrase, “treat one another as more important than yourself.”

I found that when I act as if my agenda, is the most important, then it pushes others to do the same.   When I expect my demands to be met, others react by asserting their counter demands.  When I think of myself as being number one, others must either accept that they are number two or aggressively compete with me for the number one spot.

Scripture tells me that the better way is to begin with a number two mindset.  My opinion, my will, my agenda need to be set aside on behalf of that other person. 

I have found that when I defer to others, they very often respond by deferring to me. When I enter a public building, I will often hold the door for that person behind me.  If there is a second door, they will typically hold it open for me.

“Treat one another as more important than yourself.” 

If I practiced this in my marriage, I would just put on a sweater when my wife cranks the thermostat down.  If we had this attitude at church, we would include a hymn or two for the older folks. 

If we were to do this at work, the productivity of the team would dramatically increase.   If we were to practice this in Congress, well, well that would be a miracle, wouldn’t it?

A PRAYER: Lord, I know we can’t do this without your enabling grace.  Help us.

This has been Jim Johnson and pickleheavenpress.com

May the grace of our Lord Jesus be with you

the 99 and 1 rule (reconciliation part 4) — November 10, 2021

the 99 and 1 rule (reconciliation part 4)

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There is one question that a marriage counselor gets way more than any other, it’s this: “Would you fix my spouse?”

I guess we all tend to approach conflict in that way – we pin the donkey of blame on others rather than own it ourselves. 

The counsel of Jesus plays out differently.  He said, “Why do you see the speck in your brother’s eye, but fail to see the beam of wood in your own? How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me remove the speck from your eye,’ while you yourself don’t see the beam in your own? You hypocrite! First remove the beam from your own eye, and then you can see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”  (Luke 6:41-42) NET Bible ®

Jesus the carpenter knew the difference between a speck of sawdust and a two-by-four, and He used it to expose our silliness!  

When someone hurts us, we really want them to squirm and to own it.  We forget that we have added our own fuel to the fire and that our donation is much bigger – board sized, says Jesus.

Why is it that the Lord regards my problem as being bigger?  Maybe because not only am I guilty of my own offenses, I also brazenly assume the mantle of self-righteousness and become the judge of others.

Jesus tells us quite clearly to take care of our own problems first.

In the last post we looked at the need to approach conflict as a doctor.  Before doing surgery, a surgeon washes his hands and his arms with an antiseptic solution and then gloves up.  

If he performs surgery without being sterile, he contaminates the procedure, which could prove fatal in the outcome.   In the same way, Jesus tells us that we must be clean before we try to remove the cancer of conflict.

So, what is the 99 and 1 rule? 

In my 32 plus years in the ministry I have never witnessed a conflict where one person is 100% wrong and the other is 100% right.  Never have.  Each person usually has some responsibility in the mire and mess.  If it were possible to quantify it, it might be 70/30, or 50/50 or maybe even 99/1.  There is almost always blame on both sides. 

So, this is how I prefer to apply Jesus’ words. I look to myself first to see what I contributed to the problem.  Let’s suppose for the sake of illustration that it only amounts to 1%.  (I wish!)   That 1% seems like a speck, but even a speck, when it’s on your eyeball, seems bigger than a house.

And though the other person may be 99% guilty, instead of waiting for them to apologize, I take the initiative.  I go to them and say, “Hey, I was wrong when I _________.”   Would you please forgive me for that? 

Almost always the person immediately says yes to my humble request.  Forgiveness is granted.  And almost always they turn around and take responsibility for their 99%.   Sometimes the apology comes later, but it usually comes.

The conflict is over, and the good feelings flow once again. 

Is it right to admit you were wrong?  Absolutely!  Is it embarrassing?  Somewhat!  Is the embarrassment proportionate to your level of responsibility?  Not really.  Embarrassment is embarrassment!

So why not get the ball rolling by taking responsibility for your 1% or your 50% or your 99% or whatever it is?  Do your part to put the conflict to rest and bring peace.

So, what if they don’t respond like you might hope?  Doesn’t matter!  Jesus says it’s our duty to examine ourselves and take responsibility for our own offenses, not those of others.  And being in harmony with the Lord is probably the most rewarding peace of all.

A PRAYER: Lord I seldom want to own even my 1%.  Help me to recognize my contributions to the problem and be brave enough to admit it. 

This has been Jim Johnson with pickleheavenpress.com.  May the grace of our Lord Jesus be with you.